[.).]

The END is nigh

2011-11-07T07:50:00.000-08:00

You heard it here first. I have it on good authority.

Peace Out

Toppa aka PPP aka Triple P aka IndestrucaPaul aka Thommo aka PaulyFlyT aka something else

aghxsdfjkuildfu,kdfjkilg46sdfh4udf

2011-11-02T06:30:00.001-07:00

yeah, whatever.

Haiku

2011-10-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

I try to haiku

But it never turns out right

Nothing ever does

Red Panda : awesome new pics

2011-10-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

I want to the zoo the other day, actually I have been many times recently as I got a years membership and feel the need to get my moneys worth. Although there always seems to be a bird or birdpoo incident when I'm there.
- a seagull swooped down and stole my sandwich off the picnic table
-an exotic bird pooped on me
-a peacock stole a cookie out of my freaking hand
-i stood in a huge lump of peacock shit
-my eldest daughter put her hand in birdcrap and I had to wipe it off
I also took these awesome pics of my old nemesis the red panda. I have entered these pics in some photography competitions. Fingers crossed!

(Y)'-'(Y)

Oooooh, this looks different

2011-10-18T06:56:00.001-07:00

That is because it is different.

(Y)'_'(Y)

Fishing

2011-09-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ads with a BASS

The numberplate I caught

It's a clonker or quite possibly a lunker

Going to disappear any second now

A small amount of what we caught

Last night I went a fishing with Ads. Our goal was to catch any old thing (we have had 2 rubbish, failed angling trips over the summer that were shit and rubbish and it rained). I had threatened to burn all my (rusty) angling gear if I failed again.
Last night was to be different, Ads caught 3 fish including a BASS before I had even set up my line. I, luckily, kept my non-Bass catching streak up (now just over 12 years).
I fished on the bottom and soon reeled in my first catch of the day; a car number plate. It was a pretty rare catch and much betterer than catching a smelly old Bass anyway.
We then moved round to rougher seas and caught a load of Mackerel and I caught some Garfish. I, as usual, when angling did lots of singing (mainly stupid nursery rhymes as I keep listening to them because my daughter wants to - they are driving me insane).

Great fun was had by all.

Picture Of The Weak

2011-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

My summer in pictures

2011-09-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Educating my children

Going to the beach in the rain

Going camping in the rain

Going fishing in the rain and catching nowt

Learning new skills

Introducing my kids to the most awesome riff ever

Playing amazing games with my kids (in this case Emlyn Hughes' Team Tactix)

Answer to question in previous post

2011-09-19T12:48:00.001-07:00

Well it looks like it means I will be posting a lot less, doesn't it?

[.).]

Yo Bros

2011-08-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's me. I return. A bit has happened which isn't terribly exciting really. I have quit the rat race. Jobs are for losers anyway aren't they? I am now a housewife or a stay at home dad or a stay at home playing Football Manager dad or whatever. Although I haven't really started doing it yet as my wife hasn't gone back to work yet. I am in training to become a housewife, I am learning lots of new skills: to iron, mop floors, polish, darn socks, appreciate watching Loose Women etc.
What does this mean for Toppas Tales you are probably not asking.

Who gives a shit?

.).

I am a successful gardener!

2011-07-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Most of the stuff I planted in the garden died but a few things grew. And one off the carrots I grew looks a bit rude. Teehee. It looks like it has a tinkle. It is by far the funniest thing ever isn't?

[.).]

It's Toppa's birthday!!!

2011-07-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Celebrate with me in true Toppa Style by having a 100% alright day!

Bass Fishing

2011-07-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Me with my first catch of the day

A weapon of catching f all

Yesterday I went fishing with Ads and Pockets. Our quarry (as usual) was Bass. We caught 0 Bass (as usual) despite captain Ads promising that we would catch some (he later denied ever promising anything). It was a beautiful day. We had the usual bets (first fish, biggest fish, most fish, most species but now paying 10 pence per category - I had cleared up winning all categories last time with my Starfish). There was the usual school boy errors (Pockets had a good bite early on but didn't hook it and after he reeled in he discovered that the hook still had the plastic protector on the barb). We fished the East Bank just out of Dartmouth for a few hours. Ads caught the first fish, he foul hooked a scallop (thus winning the first fish bet), a bit later Pockets foul hooked a tiny starfish. I caught some old rope. We, as usual, lost some gear. We then created a new betting category: First fish with fins. Despite our lures claiming to be Weapons Of Bass Destruction and my shouting the Bass Chant the elusive Bass yet again eluded us. We then moved elsewhere (they were tired of me saying that we weren't going to catch anything there - although I was right).

We then moved inshore a bit and went for Mackerel with me catching the first one (thus winning the coveted first fish with fins prize). Pockets caught a Corkwing Wrasse (which was a real treat). We saw some seals which was nice.

We then went to Berry Head and caught some more Mackerel and then got bored of that too so returned to port.

Bet Results;
First Fish: Ads
First Fish With Fins: Toppa
Most Species: Pockets
Most Fish: We lost count but it certainly wasn't Pockets
Biggest Fish: They were all pretty small.

It was a good day.

<*)))-{ ><)))*> [ .).] ><((((o> >('>

Picture of the week

2011-06-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

Taken at Woodlands on the pedal boats

Club Audio in Paignton is shit and the doormen are dicks

2011-06-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

The title was going to be something about my buddy Jordie's birthday but thought I'd do it about Audio being shit and the doormen being dicks instead. It was shit last time I went there but this time I was refused entry (thus saving me from a shit time, um actually thanks doorman for not letting me in. Maybe I should ask all the shit places in Torbay to refuse me entry (thus saving me hours of boredom and £££). The doorman was still a dick though.

The "highlights" of the evening were having a big poo, a The Hoff mask, bucket n spade cocktails, me losing a dance-off and cutting my chin with a plastic spade in the process (I believe this was filmed too).

T'was a good night (apart from the doorman at Audio being a dick (although I expect being a dick is actually a bonus when you're just a doorman - probably has that as a strength on his CV "yes, yes I'm a dick")

[.).]

Hi Mum!!

2011-06-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

My Mum has discovered my blog. She is a latecomer to my blog as I believe that almost every person who has ever been on the interwebs has looked at this blog and loved it.

So Mum, I'm sorry if I used bad language. I won't do it again.

[.).]

The Rockstar II

2011-06-12T13:27:00.001-07:00

Toppa's ms-paint masterpieces: A shark fighting a liger in the sky

2011-06-09T06:22:00.001-07:00

Toppa Rated Out Of Ten

2011-06-09T05:39:00.000-07:00

In this post I will rate myself out of ten for various things:

Looks: 4
Style: 5
Strength: 2.5
Skills: 1
Dancing ability (sober): 4
Dancing ability (drunk): 8
Dancing ability (when I was at the top of my game circa 1995-2005): 9.95 (those were the days)
Typing skills: 3 (and getting worse)
Haircut: 2 (and getting worse)
Angling skills: 4.5
Whistling ability: 1
Ability to think up good ideas for posts: 0.5 (judging by this shit)
Football skills: 3
Egg poaching ability: 9.5
Accident-proneness: 9
Hankie carrying ability: 9
Ability to look on the bright side: 0
Ability to have a crap everyday at approx 0730: 8.5
Doom and gloom factor: 10
Facial hair growing ability: 3.7
Texting skills: 1
Magic Powers: 0.1
Joke telling ability: 2
Joke remembering ability: 1
Ability to remember useless shite but forget useful stuff: 8
Fear Factor: 3
Immaturity: 9.5
Ability to give/receive static shocks: 8
Ability to get the toilet seat: 7
Ability to wipe toilet seat: 2
Ability to write a blog: 3
Ability to not make any sense: 7
Punctuality: 9
Indecisiveness: 9 (I think)
Luckiness: (swings from 0-8: average 2.1)
Ability to reply to emails/texts: 0.7
Ability to get drunk quickly: 9
Ability to give up on this rubbish post right now: 10

To Do List

2011-06-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

This is my to-do list. I'm posting it here in a lame attempt to embarrass myself into actually doing it:

Change electricity/gas supplier

Start some sort of exercise program

Clean the guttering

Sell some junk on ebay

Get a new passport

Buy and replace all the broken light bulbs in the house (I think there are 4)

Look to see when my MOT is due (well not my MOT but my cars)

Buy some new work shoes

Think of some decent ideas for posts for this blog

Cut the hedge

Tidy up the cellar (remove corpses etc)

Change to an interest free credit card

Trim foot and toe hair
Clear up the cat shit on the drive

[.).]

A Moan

2011-06-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

My drive to work is approx 2 miles. My preferred route is closed (road shut for 8 weeks, 8 weeks really?), my second choice route has major road works and huge delays and now my third choice route which also has major road works has now got a new 4 way traffic light system where there was no traffic lights before. I'm now trying to work out what is the 4th choice route. I'm not happy about it. And when I drive past the road works about 4 out of 5 people there are standing around doing chuff all (talking, reading The Star and eating Ginsters).

Moan over.

And more shit appearing on this blog soon.

.).

Match Review: Torquay vs Stevenage

2011-05-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

Here I will see if my predictions came true:

I will be sat on the coach for 14 hours next to someone who is annoying and/or smelly (however so will they) - wrong I was sat by myself (actually i sat across both seats so yes, did happen, I guess)
Our seats will be crap - right in the corner, not brilliant. Kinda happened
I will lose the tickets - NO
And my phone - NO
And my glasses - NO
I will fail to meet my friends (which will suck for them as I am the ticket master) - Almost happened as I was very late
The coach will break down - Happened (which is why I was almost late)
I will break down - Almost happened when the coach broke down. We pulled in services and were told coach couldn't go on (the driver had aid a few times before "we're never gonna make it") and that a new coach would be there in 5 minutes to pick us up, I said very loudly "Bullshit"
I will get locked in some toilets - No
They will show the film King Solomon's Mines on the coach (every away game I recall going to in late 80s and early 90s that was the film they showed on the coach) - NO. TV not used
Torquay will lose - Happened (despite me eating a packet of Starburst for good luck)
It will be rubbish - Happened
I will get struck by lightning - NO
My ipod battery will die very quickly on the way up - Yes (but I took a spare, Ipod that is not battery)
I will have a piss at some point - Believe it or not but this did Happen, amazing

So my predictions were fairly accurate, the one about the coach breaking down was by far the most unlikely that I predicted correctly.

Me looking like more of a dick than usual

Me running with tickets to stadium with mere minutes to spare

[.).]

Match Preview: Torquay vs Stevenage

2011-05-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Torquay are playing Stevenage in the League 2 Playoff final at Old Trafford on Saturday. I am going. Here are my predictions:

I will be sat on the coach for 14 hours next to someone who is annoying and/or smelly (however so will they)
Our seats will be crap
I will lose the tickets
And my phone
And my glasses
I will fail to meet my friends (which will suck for them as I am the ticket master)
The coach will break down
I will break down
I will get locked in some toilets
They will show the film King Solomon's Mines on the coach (every away game I recall going to in late 80s and early 90s that was the film they showed on the coach)
Torquay will lose
It will be rubbish
I will get struck by lightning
My ipod battery will die very quickly on the way up
I will have a piss at some point

[.).]

Toppa's ms paint masterpieces: A ninja fighting a fish-cat mutant armed with a ruler

2011-05-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

Something that annoys me

2011-05-19T03:37:00.000-07:00

It should be over the top

The curse died (or didn't really exist)

2011-05-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

I finally saw Torquay United win again on Saturday after 18 or so years (thus I can cross that off my bucket list). The match was pretty good and the mighty gulls beat Shrewsbury 2-0.
The highlight of the game was the pre-match entertainment of a dwarf (from the crowd) kicking a football at a pantomime cow. While he was kicking the ball the Shrewsbury mascot, a lion, grabbed a bucket and started to pretend to milk the cow. Ir was a surreal moment.

So I have to work out what ended the curse, I went swimming the day of the game, i ate a pack of Starburst during the match, I had fish and chips for lunch before the match, or maybe it was seeing the dwarf kicking the ball at the pantomime cow being milked by a lion. I will have to experiment and do these before the next matches I watch to see which one or combination of them finally ended my curse. Of course it could just have been a coincidence but that seems rather far-fetched doesn't it?

Who gives a shit?

[.).]

What Up

2011-05-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I did one of those lame posts about nothing so here it is. I have nothing to say really. Same old shit really except a bit older, a bit samier and a bit shitter.

[.).]

Banging the bottom

2011-05-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first fishing trip of the year. Squid was our quarry. It was really cold and it was rubbish (as I had Nostradamus-like predicted beforehand). My angling buddies (Ads & Pockets) caught nuffink. I, on the other hand, landed a monster from the depths aka a Starfish. This being the sole catch of the evening meant I won all 4 wagers (first fish, most fish, most species, biggest fish) thus I won 40pence (which I am yet to receive). I will never ever go squid fishing in Torquay on a Friday night again.

[.).]

Bucket List

2011-05-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

This is my "bucket list" type thing of things I want to do:

Bathe in asses milk
Scuba dive
Go in a submarine
Catch a 10 pound Bass (or bigger)
Survive a zombie apocalypse
Have a back, sack and crack
Get shot (but survive and make a full recovery)
Wrestle a 'gator
Have a proper fight (and win)
Score the winning goal in the World Cup final
Run a marathon (or maybe stroll a marathon)
Save the day (somehow)
Clean the guttering at my house
Go looting
Shoot something living (like a tree or something or maybe a seagull)
Go to the following countries: Peru, Costa Rica, Brazil, Thailand, Canada, Norway, South Africa, Japan, China, Galapagos, Iceland
Watch Torquay United win again
Do a J-shaped poo
Get mistaken for a celebrity
Become a celebrity
While a celebrity get mistaken for another celebrity
Live in the woods for a year
Become good at something (yo-yoing maybe?)
Snort coke off of a hookers ass
Learn more than 3 jokes
Learn to like red wine
Grow some mushrooms
Write something worthwhile (that can affect people)
Learn the proper use of affect and effect
Grow a full on beard
Get my hair done in corn rolls (I need to do this soon before I am bald)
Dance the fandango
Get into politics
Be able to hit a golf ball with a golf club more than 20 feet
Do a big painting of something (most probably a mess)
Properly record a piece of original music
Urinate off the top of a very tall building
Go tobogganing
Get a really big bucket
Get a gold tooth
Invent something
Go skiing (i've only been cross country skiing)
Throw something at a politician (an egg or water bomb or ninja star or something)
Learn how to surf
Have an exotic pet
Go to prison for a long stint in a foreign country
Have a wet dream
Go for a jetpack flight
Be able to do some fancy card trick or shuffle or something
Make a living as an exotic dancer
Say fuck you down the phone to somebody selling something I dont want or need
Bang my fists really hard on a table or the counter to show my discontent (in a shop or restaurant)
Pack it all in and live off the interest
Be a freaky, scary old man
Smoke a pipe
Wear assless chaps
Run up the steps that Rocky runs up in the film
Climb up a fucking big tree
Go cow tipping
Have a poo on a photocopier
Jump over a huge ravine driving a car that is on fire
Eat nothing but cheese, peanut butter and chocolate for a whole week
Tickle a trout
Get probed by an alien
Get swallowed whole by a shark and then punch my way out of it's stomach
Start wearing tap dancing shoes to work
Find some dark matter
Ride a horse while dressed as a cowboy
Wear a frilly tuxedo
Get asked to leave
See a bear shit in the woods
Get my own TV show
Set up my own business
Sleep in a hammock
Get invited to a party again
Have a monkey steal my hat
Take a (in)decent photo of something
Streak
Get called dude by a stranger
Be called up as a negotiator in a hostage situation
Get to 100k on the loser counter on this blog
Make some jam
Fight off an army of mutant rodents with a hammer and a saw
Join a choir
Have someone shine my shoes while I am wearing them
Get one of those sit on lawnmowers
Wake up in an animal enclosure at the zoo
Get on the FBI most wanted list
Get a custard pie thrown into my face
Dress up as a pregnant woman so I can piss in a policeman's helmet
Get in the Guinness book of records for being the world's oldest person
Get a good, new nickname

That's it for now, I may add to it. Maybe.

.).

Toppa's driving skills

2011-05-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

I am a bad driver (mostly).
I have lots of bad driving habits. I am a petty driver. I often do manoeuvres with the sole intention of annoying other drivers (if someone is driving really close behind I slow down and let other cars pull out), I only generally try to annoy drivers that annoy me first. Some of them must think I'm a bad driver but if i'm being a bad driver on purpose then am I really a bad driver (thinking about it the answer is certainly yes isn't it?). I get easily annoyed with other drivers and swear and do the dickhead hand gesture (I so wish that was in common use again). My favourite insults are "nice indication knobhead" or "get over you per-rick".
My driving is erratic, on some days I am considerate and let all the cars waiting go (except 4x4s and Micras, obviously) other days I let nobody go. My parking is erratic too; sometimes I get in that tight space easily sometimes I mess it up several times before getting in a mood, swearing and then driving off at high speed (although my car doesn't really do high speed). I am easily distracted (but not just when I'm driving).

The only accident I had that was my fault is when my car had just been fixed and I hit one of the garage pick up vans reversing it out of the garage. Yes, yes I am a dick.

My general car maintenance is poor also (can a car go between MOTs without you checking the tyres, water or oil?). The most important piece of equipment in a car is of course the stereo and if I turn it up loud enough I can't even here that sound the car makes (kinda like the sound a car makes when it is knackered). I have cleaned my car once but do not intend to again.

My thinking is that if your car is crap enough you don't need to be a good driver.

.).

2011-05-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

Receipt from Boots today. Kiss Pedi File? I don't remember buying one of those.

Pic of the week

2011-05-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Baby ducks on a hippo's back (at Longleat)

My view of the Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

It was alright.

.).

Toppa's ms-paint masterpieces: some shit i did in 30 seconds

2011-04-28T08:51:00.001-07:00

My lunch at work today

2011-04-20T04:32:00.000-07:00

Impressive huh?

Toppa's Garden

2011-04-18T03:37:00.000-07:00

As I get older I seem to spend more time pottering in the garden.

Here is some pics of my garden (using macro mode on my camera)

Toppa's ms paint masterpieces: Michelangelo

2011-04-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

This is my worst one yet. Yay!

[.).]

.). Pictures Presents.....

2011-04-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

A Toppa Production

In 2010 a swarm of Vine Weevils attacked the Thomas family garden pots and containers.

A decorative shrub was murdered

Toppa sought vengeance on the murderers and laid waste on them with a leading brand of Vine Weevil killer

The evil Vine Weevils are back and this time they're after my herbs and strawberries

This will be an epic battle for survival
Vengeance will be sought in unimaginable ways
There can be only one victor

This Summer

A whole family of herb munching insects are born

And

A hero returns

The Attack Of The Vine Weevils 2: Nobody Kills My Herbs But Me

In 3D (where available)

Coming in 2012
The Attack Of The Vine Weevils 3: Vine Weevils On A Plane

Some more Youtube Playlists

2011-04-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have some more themed youtube playlists:

Colours

Numbers

drum n bass stuff

melancholy

There will be a few more maybe.

Who gives a shit?

New feature: Toppa's medical conditions

2011-04-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

In this groundbreaking new feature I look at the medical conditions that I suffer from.

Look everyone I have a fungal infection. However, with the use (as directed on the can) of one of the leading brands of athlete's foot spray it will be gone in no time. Above is the before treatment shot. I will keep you updated on my exciting battle with athlete's foot. Awesome eh?

The second episode of this feature will probably be my elephantiasis of the balls.

[.).]

Playlist 2 - whatever

2011-03-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

This second playlist is just some songs I like or something. Listen if ye likes. I will probably edit and change the order if I can be arsed.

Click here to watch in youtube

[.).]

Toppa's ms paint masterpieces - Tigerpenguin

2011-03-30T04:39:00.000-07:00

Advertising space for sale

2011-03-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

A dark day has arrived for this blog. I have just had to pay Google for extra storage because my account is over capacity. This blog therefore now has a yearly charge for extra storage of $5.75. I am not happy about it. Before now I had just wasted time on this blog but now I have wasted money too. What a fool I am. If I end up homeless I will blame Google.

Who gives a shit?

Census

2011-03-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

What I do in my main job

I just filled out my census. It was fun, especially question 17. I just opted for no religion rather than Jedi this time. I look forward to the next one (if there is a next one). So when my relatives research the family tree on line (or whatever we have then) in the years to come (if they can be arsed) they may come across this answer on the 2011 Census and see for sure that their Great-Great Grandfather was a total dick.

{.).}

Gardening

2011-03-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking rock n roll that I enjoy going insane out in the garden. This is a top time of year as my babies are starting to grow. Aaaaah!

Onions

Something green

Will almost certainly die before harvest

Who gives a shit?

[.).]

Playlist 1 - Music from films

2011-03-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

Bonjour mes amis. I am putting together a few youtube playlists. This is harder than I thought partly due to awful sound quality in some videos but mainly due to Vevo (a company that has rights to many music videos but also has to show shit adverts (including adverts for lady gag) before some videos and have shit, annoying background images (like justin bieber's annoying, dumb face). So I have had to shun Vevo even though in some cases they had the highest quality sound/video. I have at least some, misguided, integrity but if you like my playlists you are extremely unlikely to like rubbish gaga or even rubbisher bieber.

This is likely to be the longest playlist. It is music from film soundtracks, most are fairly obvious what they come from. My apologies for overuse of Radiohead in this playlist, it won't happen again, probably.
I will post some more themed playlists soon, maybe.

Click here to watch playlist in youtube as the stupid embed doesn't quite fit my blog and I'm too lame to adjust it.

So relax and enjoy (or skip through most of the tracks and moan that they're shit - it's up to you)

{.).}

Loser Counter Update

2011-03-17T07:00:00.002-07:00

Now over 5000 losers. Yay for losers!
I reckon only 3000 of them were me.
Double Yay!

[.).]

I Won!

2011-03-05T01:56:00.001-08:00

The ticket won. I'm rich. I won £5.60. Holy Shit!

Tonight's Euromillions winning numbers will NOT be....

2011-03-04T05:34:00.000-08:00

16, 26, 27, 28, 47. Lucky Stars 05 and 06. So please avoid choosing these numbers.
I know this because these are my numbers and I'm certainly going to win chuff all as per usual.
I used to spend hours trying to find a formula while working at BT. My findings did show, however, that consecutive Lucky Star numbers did come up surprisingly often but it won't be 05 and 06 this week fo sure.

[.).]

Awesome night out in Paignton

2011-02-25T09:33:00.000-08:00

A near empty nightclub

I took some pics of my reflection on hand dryer in the bogs

It appears that most of the photos I took were in the toilets

I went out in Paignton last night. It was shite and everywhere was empty. We went to some shite pubs and then went to Audio which is a rubbish club that is open until 4am. Ben and I were kicked out at 3am, Ben was falling asleep but had already annoyed some people by pointing to their chest and then flicking his fingers in their face (as usual). I was kicked out by association and for taking photos. I will never go there again as it was awful, and comparable to any other night out in Paignton - awful!

List: My annoying habits

2011-02-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here is the list:

Answering people when I know they are not talking to me.
Scratching my balls
Rubbing my socks between my toes
Leaving the toilet seat up (according to my wife)
Not answering emails, texts, etc
Being tired
Being lame
Being indecisive
Being unenthusiastic
Playing with my hair
Playing on my ipod
Playing with my thingie
Saying "I don't mind"
Saying "I don't know"
Not saying anything
Making lists
Putting things off
Not keeping in contact
Posting crap, ill-thought out posts on my blog

Memories: Working at BT

2011-02-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a memories post for ages so here goes (but not in the usual detail as I don't think I can be arsed).
When I moved from Nottingham to Exeter back in 2003, I think? I soon got a crap job at BT in Exeter. It was good that it was in walking distance of my house and a short walk from Exeter city centre in case I wanted to have a look there at lunchtime.
The job itself was dull, something to do with mobile phone transmitters that weren't working.
Well I won't bore you with all the technical details, I didn't care while I was there and am sure you don't care either.

Moments of note during my 6 years there, 6 years really? I'm depressed now. Well on with the slightly less uninteresting moments during my time there:

It was kinda okay, work paid for nights out, it was pretty slack, there was little pressure.

I was by far the most productive person in the team. In some months I literally did the same amount of work as 5 other people combined.

When I started I was trained up by 2 different people, 1 who was incredibly lazy and 1 who was fairly conscientious. I was confused for weeks as I didn't realise the 2 people actually did the same job.

A work colleague who every time he made a mistake which was quite often when he bothered to do anything, he shouted Ter-wat or Per-rick. He also called anyone else who made mistakes the same. I started saying it too for a while. We had a computer system where you can send message to people in your team, the same guy once sent a message to everyone, by accident, including his 2 managers that simply said goatblower.com. He then sent an apology saying he only meant to send it to himself. He said it was a band, which it is, but it was better to think he was looking at animal porn.

Most of the people that worked there were okay: There was a gullible girl who believed anything we said (except that swans could fly, work was right next to the canal with lots of swans too). There was one guy who slept all the time at work, as he worked at a bar at a nightclub too and went to the gym after he finished his shift at the bar.

One guy said he saw another member of staff late at night at a renown local dogging spot, Haldon, the other member staff didn't deny it but said he had lent his car to his brother that night. Bullshit! What they were both doing there was never confirmed.

Evening shifts. I worked the occasional evening shift there which was great because there was nobody there and we were paid a good bonus for it. There was almost nothing to do on these shifts so I did nothing. For a while we managed to convince management that it was so busy we needed 2 people on in the evenings, except on Fridays, obviously I watched DVDs, played on t'internet, looked in people's desks (usually to look for some reading material). I often went to the library at lunchtime to get some cookery books and then spend the evening shift going through them and photocopying all the recipes I liked. The security guard often came around in the evening (if he wasn't playing games or going on youtube). I watched DVDs on a big TV on a stand in the office that I put on my desk so it was quite high up so anyone could see it in the office (which was usually nobody). The security guard would often ask me what I was watching. Once I watched Black Book at work and the security guard walked by just as the bit with a naked woman speaking German. He just walked right by and never asked me what I was watching again. After that I would only bring in films that I knew for sure had no nudity, especially ones that are in a foreign language.

The walk to work was always fun and over the years I left later and later and I got the 30 minute walk down to a 15 minute walk-cum-jog (hehe). I would buy a copy of the Sun on the way to work religiously. When we had Andy as a lodge he often walked part of the way to work with me. We had a competition of guess which Page 3 girl would be in The Sun that day. It was an awesome game. I guess.

I once had a look at the accidents book. It was papercut, papercut, papercut, etc

What I spent my time doing at BT: Working, eating, drinking coffee, doing quizzes (we were always doing Excel quizzes), playing games online (wizball was a fave), going on t'internet (facebook, youtube, bbc, Biddycam, going on champ man/football man websites and compiling lists of players to buy, doing my family tree,ruthless reviews - there was a guy who wanted to join the RAF and said Top Gun was his fave film so I had pleasure in showing him the Top Gun Review), stealing stationary (I still I have a decent supply of post-it notes, note pads, calculators, staplers, rulers but sadly have now run out of pens), looking out the window, dreaming, etc.

I didn't have much time off ill, a couple days for a cold and a week when I funked up my leg.

I had to train up loads of new people. One quit after one morning with me, she didn't come back after lunch. Go me!

At one point some of us got trained up on a new project. The training involved doing quizzes, waiting while the guy training us did some online betting, going on the internet, doing more quizzes, doing some moronic roleplay, insulting other people from a different department that were doing the same training, etc. We trained up for over a month and then went back to or old jobs. Yay!

Then the management decided to close the department. The management were sneaky arseholes. The General Manager loved telling us he was closing our dept, he was smiling and laughing. I left while they were trying to close the dept as did a lot of people. I lost the little respect I had for the company.

On the whole it was alright.

The curse of me and Torquay United FC

2011-02-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

I have a curse. Every time I go to watch Torquay United they fail to win but most likely they will lose and not score. I am not sure exactly how long this has gone on for. I certainly have not seen them win in this millennium. I deffo saw them win at in the 91-92 season but am not sure exactly the curse began, certainly sometime between 1992-1997. The last time I saw Torquay score was in the 1-4 defeat at home to Exeter in the Conference Playoffs in 2008. I figure it has been about 30-50 games I have watched without seeing them win. I don't actually go to many games, maybe up to 5 a season. Unfortunately, for Torquay, I am more inclined to go to games with some meaning. The end of the recent FA Cup run was in fact due to me and not due to Crawley's underhand cheating tactics and Torquay's failure to have many chances.

So Torquay United sorry, it was my fault. It was probably lucky that I couldn't go to the Playoff final in May 2009 as my friend was getting married that day.

If anyone wants me to support another team please send me a season ticket to a club that you hate. Maybe if i went to see Man U every week they would lose?

Who knows?

Questions of Life

2011-02-22T03:44:00.000-08:00

Here is Noodlybeans questions from comment on last post.

Daddy or chips? chips
Butter or marg? butter
Why the word verification for this post is mingie? idk
Why you haven't bought the domain name whatshouiwriteabout.com? cos i cant be arsed. I haven't even got toppastales.com
Who should win the oscar for best film? I haven't seen all the films up for it but Inception should win. Although

Here is some shit questions I found on the internet too:

1. What is your name? Paul

2. How old are you? 33

3. Are you sure? GTFO (this will be my standard answer for stupid questions)

4. What is your earliest memory? Darkness, being in bed it being dark and seeing strange shapes that scared me. Also a girl called Paula throwing a ball in my face at playgroup and me retaliating with a plastic airplane

5. What is your favourite alcoholic drink? I dont really like them but I guess weak lager, sambuca or baileys

6. What is your favourite vegetable? Onions

7. Do you remember your first day at school? I remember going to school for a practice day before I started properly. I couldn't open my flask and I was too scared to ask someone to help. I dont remember my first proper day at school

8. What is the worst exam result you remember ever getting? Not something I particularly care about

9. How tall are you? 6 foot nuthin

10. Can you swim? yes but badly, I have no stamina or strength

11. Who is your favourite movie actress? I dont think I have one

12. Who is your favourite movie actor? ditto, there are actors and actresses I like most of the time but none I would call my fave

13. Who is your favourite comedian? Bill Hicks or Peter Cook

14. Who is your favourite politician? they're all dicks

15. Who is your favourite historical figure (been dead for at least 100 years)? Dracula

16. Who is your favourite super-heroine? GTFO

17. Who is your favourite super-hero? GTFO

18. Can you name a female scientist other than Madame Curie? Nope

19. Who is your favourite mythological god or goddess? Hades maybe but i couldn't really care less

20. Who is your favourite woman of all time? Suppose i should say my wife but if we are talking famousish people then Kim Gordon or Bjork

21. Do you agree with "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth?" I guess, maybe but not all the time

22. Do you agree with "Life does not forgive weakness"? Kinda

23. Do you agree with "It is the enemy who can truly teach us to practice the virtues of compassion and tolerance"? GTFO

24. Do you agree with "The state can do what they want to do"? Kinda

25. Do you agree with "If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country"? I guess

26. Do you agree with "If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads"? GTFO

27. Do you agree with "Crime is a product of social excess"? Pretty much, in the UK certainly

28. Do you agree with "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? I guess. Sorry for all these non-committal answers. I live in constant fear that everything I think is wrong or that I will suddenly change my mind about everything.

29. Do you agree with "And mankind is naught but a single nation"? NO

30. Do you agree with "Bulimia is soooo '87"? GTFO

31. What is the worst movie you have ever seen? I like crap films

32. What is the worst TV show you have ever seen? TV shows are generally shit, these days, aren't they

33. What is the worst book you have ever read? Probably something we had to read at school but nothing comes to mind

34. what is the worst song ever? Extreme - More than words

35. What is the worst sport you know of? GTFO

36. Who is the worst movie "star" ever? almost anyone that has previously been a musician

37. Who is the worst comedian/comedienne ever? Jim Davidson

38. Who is the worst author ever? JK Rowling (although I have never read Harry Potter but anything that popular must be shite)

39. Who is the worst musical act ever? Milli Vanilli

40. Who is the worst sports "star" you have ever seen? Joey Barton

41. If you could go back in time to witness an historical event in person, what event would you want to see? JFK getting shot, the grassy knoll would be a good place to watch from

42. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Home, to bed

43. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would you meet? Would be pointless as I would probably ignore them (unless I was drunk)

44. If you could become famous for one thing, what would that thing be? Wiping out the entire human race

45. If you could buy anything regardless of cost, what would you buy? A better house I guess, although I need some new jeans

46. If you could change any one thing about your country, what would it be? The people

47. If you could change any one thing about international politics, what would it be? Remove corrupt leaders, politicians but not sure how many, if any, would be left

48. If you could meet any famous person who is dead, who would it be? Who's corpse would I like to meet? I guess Jesus as long as he cured me of my ailments and if i brought some water that he turned into wine

49. If you could become dictator of the world, would you? Affirmative

50. If you could eat an entire cow at one sitting, would you? GTFO I'm a vegaquarium

51. Have you ever illegally downloaded music/TV shows/movies from the net? Hell yeah

52. Have you ever used illegal narcotics (yes, even pot counts if it was illegal at the time)? I guess

53. Have you ever gotten any points on your driving licence? negative

54. Have you ever stolen anything from a shop? a pack of 4 tomatoes and a Star Wars Tazo (not at the same time)

55. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes while underage? hell yeah

56. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes for another person who was underage? Yeah

57. Have you ever tried to cheat the taxman/social security/other government agency? I dont think so

58. Have you ever ridden on a train or bus without paying? Yes

59. Have you ever been arrested? Nay

60. Have you ever been charged with a crime ... ?. nay

61. What's the furthest you've ever been from home? Wellington, NZ. 11760 miles, apparently

62. Where have you visited that you would like to go back to? New Zealand

63. Where would you like to visit that you haven't yet? Costa Rica, Japan, Thailand, Peru, Canada

64. Where is your favourite place in the world? The Happy Return in Nottingham

65. Where have you visited that you hope never to go to again? The Burton in Brixham

66. Where would you definitely never go to? heaven

67. Where is your least favourite place in the world? Being inside a live volcano wouldn't be that much fun

68. What is your favourite way to travel ? by piggyback

69. What is your least favourite way to travel? by bicycle with no saddle

70. What is the capital of Assyria? Idk I could google it but IDGAF

71. What was the last movie you saw? The Hangover (was on Sky last night)

72. Was it any good? Hell yeah. Seen it before but is v funny

73. What was the last book you read? I dont read much recently, i havent got the concentration. Think it was something I had read before, Scepticism Inc or Stone Junction

74. Was it any good? Hell Yeah

75. What was the last song you listened to? Something off the new Radiohead album

76. Was it any good? it was okay, it is not an immediate album

77. What was the last computer game you played? Borderlands on PS3

78. Did you do well? I'm shit at games and pathetically enough I have just come across the concept of copying other peoples save games from the web and saving them on to my PS3.

79. What was the last meal you ate? Bran flakes for breakie (sainsburys own brand)

80. Was it any good? it was adequate

81. Do you believe in God/Goddess/Gods/Goddesses (delete to suit personal preference)? GTFO GTFO GTFO

82. Do you agree with the war in Iraq? War! huh! What is it good for?

83. Do you believe in aliens? I guess, I used to. Now I believe in very little

84. Do you agree with the theory of evolution? Of course if you don't then you can GTFO

85. Do you believe in reincarnation? GTFO

86. Do you agree with the idea of the UN? I guess the idea is okay just the way it is carried out is balls

87. Do you believe in karma? Nope

88. Do you agree with the theories of man-induced global warming? Yes

89. Do you believe in democracy above all other systems of government? No, I dont believe in people. I would let animals rule us as animals are honest aren't they except possums

90. Do you agree with Freddie Mercury when he sings "Fat-bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round"? GTFO GTFO

91. What is your favourite movie? I don't know anymore. Fight Club?

92. What is your favourite book? Scepticism Inc

93. What is your favourite song? Pyramid Song by Radiohead or maybe Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield

94. What is your favourite city? IDK they're all pretty much the same aren't they. Actually my favourite city is Atlantis

95. What is your favourite sport? Football

96. What is your favourite place in the world? The sea

97. Are you glad these questions are almost over? yes, they're shitter than i thought

98. What are you going to do next? Another lame post

99. Do you anticipate this activity being fun? gtfo

100. Give us a quote to end on ..."in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king"

[.).]

Whatshouldiwriteabout.com?

2011-02-21T07:43:00.000-08:00

It does exactly what it says on the tin.

The vilest, most pathetic, most disgusting, evilest, most revolting, weakest, loser, punk, excuse who ever existed

2011-02-15T00:03:00.000-08:00

After the roaring success of "quite possibly the itchiest balls in the world" comes the sequel.

Guten Tag

2011-01-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Howdy folks.
Strange things happen don't they? Strange coincidences occur sometimes don't they? Stuff that is so unbelievably unlikely happens too. Sometimes it seems that things happen for a reason (but alas it doesn't really it just happens). Sometimes you think something has happened for a reason and it makes you do something else and then you realise that it was reasonless. Situations can make people react in different ways. People see different things, usually the wrong things.
It's strange how things work out or don't work out as is more often the case.
Things rarely work out they way you want them too.
Things rarely work out at all.

Toppa's Tales - The drafts

2011-01-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of the current posts in the draft stage (I doubt any will ever be completed)
Who gives a shit?
There will be a title then a brief summary.

Sparkwell - a lame review of a recent trip to Dartmoor Zoo
Lyrics - a list of some lyrics that mean something to me
Meh - an off the cuff post that was 1 line long
(untitled post) - a photo i took of a sunset
List: regrets - exactly what it says on the tin. was quite long
First post from my ipod - it wouldn't work. grrrrrr
Ideas - ideas for posts
blank - yep was completely blank
living social top 5 - couldn't format it as i wanted it
empty - yep, empty
memories: Churston grammar school and beyond - early draft of this, i actually posted a different version of this
memories nz/aus: memories of my memorable trip to new zealand and australia
list ii: top 5 fish - actually thought i had posted it ages ago. not sure why in draft stage. posted

that is all

List ii - Top 5 Fish

2011-01-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

Following on from the success of my top 5 time travel films comes a new list of my top 5 Fish. I have split the list into 2. Best for eating and best for catching:

Eating (have included shellfish also)

1 Monkfish - bloody handsome
2 Tuna - Tuna steak rather than Tuna from a can in brine
3 Scallops
4 Prawns - Particularly King Prawns
5 Bass

Catching

1 Bass - although it's been a while. Haven't caught one since 1999 (and that was undersized so was thrown back) but caught my biggest one when I was 5 (and 2 months) and weighed 4lb 9.5 ounces. It won the News of the World Fish of the week which i received a rubbish fishing reel for. It also won a Fish of the Month badge at Brixham S. A. C. but didn't win a trophy as the Junior Bass trophy was retired the previous year as no-one (Juniors) had caught one in years. Also this Story of a 5 year old catching a Bass that big was a big story in the local angling press with headlines such as 'Little And Large' and 'Tears Then Cheers for 5 Year Old' (as i cried because I thought I couldn't pull in the Leviathan as it fought so hard.
2 Grey Mullett - even longer wait than Bass. Probably caught my last one in 1993
3 Mackerel - easy to catch, caught thousands
4 Pollack - probably the biggest fish I ever caught was a Pollack but sadly no scales were present to confirm the weight. I estimate that it was 22 pounds but have wildly over-exaggerated and 6-8 pounds probably more accurate
5 Cuttlefish - caught one once

Almost made the list -
Silver Eel/Plaice (as both one my angling trophies when I was a youth. The Plaice which i caught when i was 7 the day before the Torbay Fishing Festival. The headline in the fishing news in the Herald Express was 'The Plaice Is Right, The Time Is Wrong' - clever huh? It won the Allison Cup Junior Trophy at Brixham S. A. C. I caught The Silver Eel during The Torbay Fishing Festival in about 1991 or 1992 and it won best fish of that day in the Festival which won me a car tool kit (which was not very useful for someone who was still several years off being old enough to drive) and won my another trophy at Brixham S. A. C.)
Pilchard - as I was the Junior Record Holder at Brixham Sea Anglers Club for more 5.25 ounce beast from the deep. I may still be the record holder but haven't seen the records for years and they don't appear to have a website to check). I will just assume I am still the Record Holder as no-one could possibly beat that clonker.
Wrasse

Toppa's Delicacies - Drinking coffee through a Rocky bar

2011-01-21T05:38:00.000-08:00

Another classic recipe (this one, however, I can not claim as my own).
Ingredients, 1 Fox's Rocky bar, 1 mug coffee (milk, water, 1tsp coffee, 2tsp coffee mate, 1 tsp sugar)
Instructions:
1. Remove Rocky Bar from wrapper
2. bite off both ends of the bar
3. insert into freshly prepared mug of coffee and use as straw
4. when biscuit part of bar is melted eat it
5. rub tummy and say yum yum (or equivalent)

The Ingredients

Rocky bar with ends bitten off

Yum

[.).]

Pic of the week - My beautiful eye

2011-01-21T05:23:00.000-08:00

Toppa's Delicacies 1 - The Cheddar Tower

2011-01-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

In this new feature (the first new feature in 15 months or so) I will share some of my favourite recipes with you.
This first one is my own special recipe - The Cheddar Tower! I came up with the recipe in 1986 at Eden Park School when I combined two items from my packed lunch to form this tasty dish. For the last 25 years this has been passed down in the family and for the first time the secret ingredients of this recipe are being revealed.
This is the perfect recipe to impress friends if you are having a cocktail party or some such shite.

Ingredients: Mini cheddars (1 pack), Diarylea (1 triangle)
Prep time: 5 minutes
Cooking time: 0 minutes
Serves 1
Nutritional Info: 172 kcal
Protein 4.8g
Carbohydrates 13.8g
Of which sugars 2.3g
Fat 10.8g
Fibre 0.6g
Sodium 0.4g

Ingredients

Repeat this step

Serving suggestion

Instructions.
1. open pack of mini cheddars.
2. make small hole in dairylea pack at tip of smallest angle
3. gently squeeze dairylea triangle above a mini cheddar so small pea-sized bit goes on the mini cheddar
4. put another mini cheddar on top that and gently push down so it sticks to the first one
5. repeat this process until all mini cheddars are used
6. squeeze rest of dairylea on top
7. serve

You can spice this up by using marmite mini cheddars and if you're feeling brave use double the ingredients for a double tower. Enjoy!

Join us for the next thrilling recipe here soon.

[.).]

Bored

2011-01-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

Toppa - A day in the life of

2011-01-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

This post is a day in the life of your hero, moi. Today, 12th January 2011 (I think it's Wednesday)
I will update it a few times in the day (so if you, like most people in the world, check my blog 15-20 times a day you will be in for a real treat), so you will be able to check my day almost as it happens. Awesome eh?
Enjoy!

0602 woke up. Listed complaints - headache, stiff neck, dry mouth, tiredness, fear
0610 checked rest of family - two thirds are still asleep
0612 had a piss. Colour yellow, smelt vaguely of urine
0620 put kettle on
0621 put computer on as I will be updating this a lot today. Also checked Facebook - 0 messages, 0 notifications, 0 friend requests, 0 pokes (as usual). Nothing of interest in newsfeed (there never is though is there?)
0629 rechecked number of family members awake
0630 made tea (for wife) and coffee (for me). Coffee - 1 tsp coffee (Kenco Smooth), 2 tsp Coffee Mate, 1 tsp sugar, pour in a little milk (semi skimmed), stir, then fill to near the top with boiling water, stir again. Mug was purchased on trip to New York in 2004
0641 Switched on TV in kids playroom. BBC ONE Breakfast. News is fairly on remarkable (maybe it is a repeat).
0647 wife brings baby Esme (daughter no.2) down for me to take so she can sleep. She seems a bit agitated (daughter that is).
0652 checked blog loser counter. 3646 losers
0653 watching more news - boring. drinking coffee
0657 local news on now. top story about council reducing number of "lollipop men and women". Weather forecast is, wait for it, more rain.
0700 BBC headline - Australian floods
0701 Checked bbc.co.uk Torquay United won last night
0709 would be tidying up but am holding the baby. would she remain asleep if I put her down?
0716 updated Toppastales Twitter for first time in months. 4 Followers (1 of which is my other account)
0727 worry that this post is going to be really lame. who gives a shit?
0728 put baby down and load dishwasher
0730 eat Thorntons premium collection Caramel Divine chocolate (i think), pictures on menu dont actually appear to match whats in the box
0733 turn off TV and put on iTunes (after brief deliberation opt for These New Puritans)
0735 start folding up washing (we have a lot of tea towels)
0742 daughter no.2 awake, bring her downstairs
0750 change daughter no.1's nappy
0753 make tea (v weak) for daughter no.2 (will now shorten to D2 and D1. D1 is Matilda age 2. D2 is Esme age 1 month) and another coffee for me (same recipe but with noisette syrup flavouring - a Christmas present form my sis, thanks sis)
0757 D2 crying, pick her up and walk around house opening various curtains and blinds
0759 change music to Holy Fuck
0804 put D2 down and change D1 nappy
0807 wash hands
0808 D2 crying, pick her up again
0830 finished reading daughters Little miss splendid and the princess (a real ripsnorter)
0838 have breakfast with D1 (i have bran flakes - not my regular choice but we ran out of Start yesterday)
0851 now listening to Interpol while folding up clothes
0910 put some clothes away, now going to jump in the shower (this is post is pretty exciting huh? and not at all tedious)

pic 1

0937 am showered, moisturised and dressed. I look awesome (see pic 1)
0940 check Facebook. 1 notification. someone commented on his status (that i had commented on last night). Doesn't get any more exciting than that, does it?
0954 Actually it does get more exciting! I just emptied all the bins. Today rocks!
1003 Making shopping list, going to Saino's later. Fucking A!
1020 Have just done hair, brushed teeth and had another wee (but not all at the same time - hehe). I haven't had a dump yet though, which is unusual for me (interesting eh?)
1021 wife telling me to stop doing this and go shopping
1022 about to leave house for shopping and fun with D1
1346 returned from Sainsburys (although I forgot to buy bathroom cleaner), I was hindered by my own indecipherable handwriting on the shopping list. Opted for self scan to avoid queues. Only 2 "unexpected items in bagging area" messages. Then went for fun with D1 - went to Torquay Museum. I was disappointed that I had to pay to get in. D1 liked the lion, snake, musical instruments and stuffed birds but the best part for her was probbaly the cafe where we had a teacake and hot chocolate. Don't think I will go again for a long while. Took the wife's car as D1's car seat was in it. Listened to Radiohead "In Rainbows" (as it is currently the only CD in the car). D1 fell alseep on way back during "Videotape" (as usual)
1351 Put shopping away. Inspected new shelving that has been put up (by my bro in law) around the house while we were out. I'm not able to do stuff like putting shelves on the wall as I am lame.
1354 was going to tweet (something lame) but Twitter over capacity again
1355 Drinking coffee my wife just made me
1441 been sorting through stuff to ebay/car boot/take to charity shop. just done books. Some books by JG Ballard, Henry Miller, Kerouac, Will Self, Douglas Adams (Dirk Gently) and a few history books don't make the cut
1446 eating Walkers Sensations thai sweet chili crisps. yum!
1501 Sorted through DVDs. only Shivers, Death to Smoochy and the Taken box set (which i borrowed off someone that I am not in contact with anymore - i never got round to watching it) fail to make the cut
1512 sorted through ps3 games. aliens vs predator, fallout 3, elder scrolls IV, infamous & resistance 2 can all go
1518 another couple handfuls of crisps
1520 taking some more rubbish out. fuck yeah!
1521 put some more seeds out for the birds and rehung the fat ball that had been knocked on the ground
1524 moaned at by mother in law for being on the computer when i should be making tea
1525 going to make hot ribena for wife and coffee for me. mother in law now changed her mind about wanting tea
1529 i opted for the vanilla syrup in my coffee this time, had more crisps too
1530 had a pee, still haven't had a poo today. is the first day in ages that i haven't had a morning mook. should i be worried?
1536 emptied dishwasher, guess what i did next? filled it up and put it on again. You jealous?
1539 wive is hanging pictures up. she wanted some fishing line. went to garage and returned with 20lb Supacast line (probably bought at Trago Mills)
1542 had thorntons chocolate, some kind of truffle. cant find the menu now
1558 been screwing hooks into picture frames so we can hang them on the wall. my fingers hurt a bit now
1609 hit shin with hoover while carrying it up the stairs. D1 was worried as i moaned in pain. had to give her a cuddle. she sat on my lap while we watched some Winnie the Pooh dvd
1616 itchy feet, scratched them
1622 quick look on bbc.co.uk not much of interest
1633 went in lounge to find a despicable site. the tv was off but sky+ circle was going round as it had been paused. a pet hate of mine
1643 went around the house closing curtains and blinds
1651 load and switched on washing machine
1652 treated myself to another chocolate (i have eaten a lot of junk today haven't i?)
1653 watching a bit more Tigger Movie (too many songs in it)
1705 playing on ipod but cant connect to app store
1708 putting dinner in oven
1715 having pretend tea party with D1
1717 starting to feel tired. Rock n roll!
1747 had dinner - margerita pizza and winnie the pooh spaghetti shapes
1748 now running a bath for D1
1911 just got back downstairs after bath and bed routine for D1. read her 2 stories "a hug for humphrey" and "beware of the bears"
1912 unloading/loading dishwasher yet again. yay!
1925 waiting for kettle to boil. coffee time
1930 went for the noisette syrup again
1936 spending a bit of time on my other blog
2017 other blog now up to date. will celebrate by having another wee
2052 watched a bit of Temple of Doom. Now playing undead nightmare on ps3 (im crap at it)
2212 wife and D2 now in bed. watching terminator on bbc three
2236 getting tired
2343 goodnight

Quite possibly the itchiest balls in the world

2011-01-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

This post is actually not about itchy balls but about Google search results for this blog. It appears quite high for the titles of the post (as long as the title isn't too common) in both the webpage results and images results. I was curious to see if this post will have any impact. I hope that one day if you google "quite possibly the itchiest balls in the world" in google images (or other search engine, whatever they're called) you will see the above moronic looking picture of me taken yesterday.

The "character flaws list" post is third in the google search (and this has also led to several people commenting on it in the last few weeks).

Good huh? So this blog appears in google results despite having a title that can not be "googled", which is, in case you didn't know, .). (but is really Toppa's Tales isn't it?)

Off the cuff in 2011

2011-01-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

This is my first off the cuff post of the year. Good Huh? It's going to be awesome (well as long as i think of something good to say).
2011 has been balls so far hasn't it? Come back 2010 all is forgiven, maybe you weren't as bad as first thought. 2011 GTFO or something.
2011 = broken oven, broken boiler, car won't start, poorly baby, itchy balls, VAT increase, no zombie holocaust as yet and general feeling of "this is shit isn't it mate?"
At least next year might be better, maybe. Who knows? Who gives a shit?
It's all the same isn't it?
Shit happens and then more shit happens, there is always shit that can happen isn't there? You can always rely on shit happening and then more shit happening.
Enough with this shit talk, let's talk about something else eh? But what? Not much weather going on (well here anyways).
Christmas was alright wasn't it? Like many other Christmases but less Christmassy somehow.

Right I have to assassinate some people, speak soon. Cya.

[.).]

Toppa's predictions for 2011

2011-01-02T03:48:00.000-08:00

Some people will be born
Some other people will die
A few will be born and die
Some animals will die too
You will have an itch
The world will not end
Bones will be broken
Hearts will be broken
You will poo like you have never pooed before
This year will be pretty similar to last year for quite a few
An electrical item you own will break
People will continue to get it wrong
You will moan about taxes
You will eat, drink and be a bit merry
You will spend some time queuing up for something
You will lose something and it will be in the last place you look
You will do something that makes you look stupid
You will watch many hours of shit TV/films
This blog will be made into a Hollywood film
It will rain a lot (somewhere)
There will be lots of news
There will be lots of bad news
This blog will cease to be
I will die in tragic circumstances

What music I listened to in 2010

2011-01-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

This is what music I have listened to over the last 12 months according to my LastFM Profile

Artists:
1 Radiohead
2 The Horrors
3 Death From Above 1979
4 Japandroids
5 Girl Talk
6 Arcade Fire
7 Sonic Youth
8 DM Stith
9 The xx
10 Nirvana
11 Holy Fuck
12 Sebadoh
13 Pixies
14 Boards of Canada
15 Aphex Twin

Albums:
1 Death From Above 1979 – You're A Woman, I'm A Machine
2 The Horrors – Primary Colours
3 DM Stith – Heavy Ghost
4 Girl Talk – Feed the Animals
5 Japandroids – Post-Nothing
6 The xx – xx
7 Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
8 Lusine – A Certain Distance
9 Diplo – Decent Work For Decent Pay
10 Sebadoh – Bakesale

Tracks:
1 The Horrors – Mirror’s Image
2 Radiohead – Pyramid Song
3 Japandroids – Young Hearts Spark Fire
4 Death From Above 1979 – Black History Month
5 Thom Yorke – Black Swan
6 Japandroids – Wet Hair
7 Japandroids – The Boys Are Leaving Town
8 The Horrors – Three Decades
9 Death From Above 1979 – Little Girl
10 Death From Above 1979 – Cold War
11 The Horrors – Who Can Say
12 Lusine – Two Dots
13 The xx – Islands
14 Radiohead – There There
15 Radiohead – Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box
16 Death From Above 1979 – Blood On Our Hands
17 Arcade Fire – Black Mirror
18 Radiohead – Airbag
19 Robert Wyatt – Shipbuilding
20 Nirvana – I Hate Myself and I Want to Die

I was going to add a link to every song but it turns out that I couldn't be arsed.

Two thousand and fucking eleven

2011-01-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

It's a new year but what can you expect from your favourite blog this year. Here is a first look of what exciting new, next level shit you will see on Toppa's Tales this year:

more of the same
um, yeah sorry, i've got nothing else

Everyone here at Toppa's Tales is wishing all their loyal readership a new year

[.).]

List: Christmas Presents 2010

2010-12-29T04:42:00.000-08:00

This is what I got for Chrimble:

A watch

A jacket thing

Slippers (this was on my previous list of what I want for xmas)

Man bag

Nail Gripper (used instead of thumb when hammering nails)

Chili Chocolate

Books (also on my wants list)

DVD Four Lions

3x pyjamas

A scratch card (I won one whole pound)

Jelly Beans

Nasal hair trimmer

Call of Duty: Black Ops (for PS3)

Coffee syrup set

A Reindeer egg cup (painted by my eldest daughter)

Sets of deodorant/shower gel

Ipod Case

Digital Money Box (it adds up all the money you put in - clever huh?)

Scarf

Guess Who? Board game

Garden lights

Flying Lantern

Chocolate coins

But even after 3 recounts it seems that i didn't get any socks or hankies which is totally insane.

So from the presents it seems people think I like to laze around, I smell and I have a sweet tooth which, of course, is all true.

[.).]

Christmas Eve at the Burton 2010

2010-12-29T02:17:00.000-08:00

The Burton

Arrows

Breadtime!

Chumps

Crap Joke

Christmas Eve down the Burton was as awesome as ever. Same chumps, same beer, same room of the pub. New carpet, less chairs, lots of people I didn't know (people in pubs get younger every year or something). We played Breadtime (I lost both games - we actually played the shorter version of it called Shortbread). We talked rubbish. We reminisced. We got drunk. Amen

Ben was so pissed he thought Jordie's old Fatima Whitbread joke was actually funny so spent most of the journey home trying to email it to himself. I also was introduced to the concept of the Dutch Rudder. They sound great or something.

I give the evening seven out of ten. Was similar to all the other Christmas Eve's at the Burton.

A message from my advent calendar

2010-12-24T02:21:00.000-08:00

I'm melting, I'm melting

2010-12-24T01:55:00.001-08:00

A Christmas Message

2010-12-23T07:10:00.001-08:00

Toppa wishes a very small percentage of the world's population a fooking top Christmas and New Year or something.

Who gives a shit?

[.).]

Toppa's Night Before Christmas

2010-12-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

Twas the night before Christmas
So I went to a crap pub
had some awful shots and beer
and some Wetherspoons grub

I meet up with old friends
And talk and reminisce
Long queues at the bar
And when I need to piss

See some more people
I haven't seen for a year
Were they always this annoying?
Or is it just the beer?

The same old stories
the same classic jokes
The old "Under The Quilt"
With Benji's Lotto coat

Not much really happens
we all drink too much beer
And say we should meet up
more often next year

I am so excited
And I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control
And i think I like it

I'll probably get some slippers
Beer and chocs
And I musn't forget
The hankies and socks

It's a Toppa time of year
But who gives a Shite?
An alright Christmas to all
And to all an okay night

Ice Ice Baby

2010-12-22T03:00:00.000-08:00

It looks rather wintery/Christmassy today. I took some pics but most turned out crap.

Christmas is coming

2010-12-21T02:53:00.000-08:00

Awesome isn't it? I haven't felt this Christmassy since last year.

List: What I want for Christmas

2010-12-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

A bionic arm (or maybe 2)
A time machine
Some grenades
Some rope
Some cheese
Some new shoelaces
Actually new shoes would be good too (well maybe not good but useful)
A new voice

A 4 pack of Special Brew

New eyes (pair of)
World Piss
Some sort of mutant creature (as a pet)
A sidekick
A street tuff gang
A beard
A squirrel costume (preferably a red squirrel)
A back, sack and crack
Slippers
Hankies
Socks
A suitcase full of money
A bomb shelter
A goat
A zombie apocalypse
A memory eraser
Some dark matter
Some enriched uranium
A comedy Christmas sweater
A lobotomy
PMA (positive mental attitude)
Some decent ideas for posts for this blog
A new blog
Sight beyond sight
The Police Academy boxset on Bluray
A book
Wings
The person who replenishes the the toilet roll at work to realise that over the top is the correct configuration.
Some pigeons
A bag of coal
The truth
Some balls
And a partridge in a peartree

DVDs

2010-12-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

Some photos of a small sample of my DVD collection, like anyone gives a shit!

Snow! Bitches!

2010-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's snow

View of Dartmoor from house

Snow Shrek and Donkey (made at daughter's request)

Does this make me a bad parent?

A rather rubbish Snow Angel

Action shot of me sledging down our road

2 seconds later

We had snow, actually most people in the UK had snow and there is probably millions of photos of crappy snow on t'internet so here are mine. They look pretty similar to all the other photos of snow really don't they?

Who gives a shit?

Topper becomes a daddy again!

2010-12-13T04:53:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday 8th of December at 06:41 The Toppa family had a new arrival, a girl (as predicted by my Ipod in a previous post) called Esme.

Loser Counter Update

2010-12-07T08:56:00.001-08:00

Wow, we have hit 3000 hits. Crazy shit, although most are probably me. Pathetic isn't it?

I'm getting my legal team on the case

2010-12-07T06:07:00.000-08:00

There's a band called Cyanide River and they are on Facebook. They are so grunge it hurts. I hope they suck as much as the original Cyanide River (the singer can't be worse than me surely?). They have something else in common to the original too, they are currently without a drummer and a bassist (although they don't appear to have a button presser). Although they seem to have done more gigs than we did (they have had 1).

I reckon they are gonna get sued for every penny they make as a band (which coincidentally will be the exact same amount that our Cyanide River made).

Hehe, their twitter and youtube accounts are cyanideriveruk (cyanideriver must have been taken - by me!)

Here is a link to listen to them:

http://www.youtube.com/cyanideriveruk

[.).]

Destiny Probe - Results

2010-12-07T02:55:00.000-08:00

I have been researching and experimenting the concept of destiny. The results of this in depth investigation (I will not bore you with the exact details of the research) show that everything in our miserable little lives is predetermined, inevitable and unchangeable. So I have cleared this up without a shadow of a doubt. This is the end of the matter. No need to thank me, it was nothing, really.

Bah Humbug

2010-12-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

No Toppa's Tales advent calendar this year. This is mainly due to me not giving a shit.

Who gives a shit?

A memory

2010-11-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was 10 (was the in early 1988). At school I made a prediction that one day you would be able to find pretty much everything from a computer. My classmates laughed, said no way. They said it would take thousands of years to get it all on one computer. They were wrong, I was right. Screw you guys.
(although I doubt anyone else involved in this discussion actually remembers it). That is all.

Toppa's ms-paint masterpieces - A mess

2010-11-11T06:15:00.000-08:00

I was going to draw a dog turd but wasn't happy with the shades of brown so gave up and drew this shit instead.

Toppa's ms-paint masterpieces - Black

2010-11-11T05:52:00.001-08:00

Retirement From International Football

2010-11-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Today I informed the FA about my retirement from international football:

Subject: My Immediate Retirement From International Football

Dear FA
I am contacting you to announce my retirement from international football. I am now 33 years old and have been plagued by knee problems so I thought it was the right time to let you know that I don't want to be in the frame for a place in the England squad anymore. Successive England managers have overlooked my impressive defensive performances for many years. I am disappointed but not entirely surprised. I never made it to the Premiership (or even Sunday League to be honest) but my performances for the Brixham Lepers were a joy to behold. My career was full of sliced clearances and almost own goals as well as several (2) man of the match trophies.
I wish England all the best in the future without me.
Yours faithfully
Paul Thomas

Haircut Revisited. Back - After (featuring deformed looking ear)

2010-11-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Back - After (featuring deformed looking ear)

Haircut

2010-11-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

Before - Front

Before - Back (in case you couldn't work this shit out)

After

I had my first haircut in ages today, it had got very long and looked shit.
My hair now looks much better although my stupid grin still looks shit.

[.).]

Banksy in Torquay?

2010-10-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

This week in Torquay a piece of art supposedly by Banksy appeared. I took some pics. It's good and Banksy-esque but who knows?

Picture of the weak - The Dead Zone

2010-10-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

This insect (yes, and arachnid) graveyard is on a window sill at my work.

Toppa's Inventions - The Lazy Gym

2010-10-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

After the success of the steering wheel iPhone dock, Toppa's Acme Inc present the Lazy Gym range.

This all new range of products is for people who want to do exercise but can't be bothered to spend anytime doing it whatsoever. I thought about this and concluded why should I have to do anything that I don't already do and still get fit. This exciting range of products to get fit will fit around the things you already do in life (ie very little). You do not have to do anything differently. You will feel the benefits in days, they will make you harder, better, faster and stronger or you money back. These products may even make you immortal (testing of this theory is ongoing but all good so far).

So on with the products:

The exercise toothbrush. Everyone brushes their teeth don't they? With Toppa's Exercise Toothbrush brushing your teeth will make you fitter. The toothbrush comes in various weights (1-40 kilos) so takes some effort and can be used in left or right hands.

The exercise mouse. Everyone uses computers but the exercise mouse means you can exercise your wrists when you go on the internet (but not in the way that you usually do). The mouse weighs between 1 and 40 kilos depending on your level of fitness. There is yet no proof that this product causes RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) in any way.

The exercise mug. Drink your beverage of choice in these weighted cups and mugs. Using one of these certainly won't make you look like a mug.

The exercise slippers. These weighted slippers are the perfect "weigh" to exercise those legs while walking around your house (maybe to look for the remote control or something).

There are more products in this exciting range on the way.

Patents pending.

[.).]

Toppa's Inventions - The Steering Wheel iPhone/iPod dock

2010-10-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

Driving is boring, but can be fun with Toppa's new steering wheel iPhone docking station. It charges up your phone (or iPod), you can play games, watch videos, surf the web, check your Facebook and make video calls all in the safety of your car while driving. In an age of speed cameras and traffic congestion Toppa's new invention puts the fun back into driving.

Patent pending.

.).

Toppa's Dance Moves - Gritted Teeth Skiing

2010-10-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

A brand new occasional feature of Toppa's dance moves.
The first one is the awesome Gritted Teeth Skiing. It is simple, you pretend that you are holding ski poles and do some pelvic thrusts while, wait for it, you are gritting your teeth. The more enthusiastically you thrust the better. When you have mastered this you can add some side to side action too but I suggest you master the basic version first before advancing to the side to side action (to avoid any embarrassment). The ladies love it, in fact everyone loves it. You will look super cool doing it and even more awesome if nobody else around you is dancing at all.

Ciao for now

[.).]

Life is.......

2010-10-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

Life is life la la la-la etc. Wise words indeed, eh?
Before you start thinking oh no, not another post about the point(lessness) of life I should say that your fears may be realised, maybe. As you may be aware the subject of the post can change completely in one sentence or one badly thought out pun.
I often have what in my mind are awesome ideas for posts or just awesome ideas that never seem to come to fruition. That's life isn't it? It sometimes promises to be a real treat but doesn't actually become a real treat. Or does it? Don't ask me, I dunno do I? Do I?
I bored of life now (I mean talking about it) let's talk about death instead. I say let's but I meant I will talk about it and you probably won't as nobody reads this.
Death happens at the end of life and when you die something happens, maybe. Who knows?
What does happen when you die? What happens when a pigeon dies or a slug or a plant in the garden - almost the same as when a human dies but not quite. People are sometimes remembered, people leave a presence (this usually manifests itself as a neglected gravestone in an overgrown graveyard - well here in the UK anyway). If you have produced something in your life that can be a way to be remembered but unless that says something about you, the produce rather than you will be remembered. I will probably not be remembered for this blog as it will not be around forever I expect, will it? But if you have produced music, art, literature you may be remembered.
Of course you will be remembered by people that know you but eventually nobody alive will remember you. While there are people around that remember you, you will be remembered for a few anecdotes. That's all we are: a few hopefully funny stories. Of course if you do anything really bad (unless you are very careful) that is all you will be remembered for. Your memory will be of the worst thing you ever do. Not that ultimately it really matters when you are dead though does it?

This post is getting a bit morbid, even for me. I better switch it up.

I am the only person in the world who still uses the phrase "hoofer doofer"?

.).

Haiku

2010-10-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

I am lame as I
Failed to write a poem
So I wrote this shit

What You Could Be Doing Instead Of Reading This Crap

2010-10-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Making a fine sandwich
Trimming your toenails (they need doing)
Learning a foreign language
Improving yourself
Doing some exercise
Selling that rubbish you don't use anymore on ebay
Phoning someone you haven'r spoken to for ages
Writing your own shit blog
Playing a game (a board game or something)
Writing a haiku
Doing those things you have been putting off for ages but know that you need to do
Put more focus on the important things in life rather than the trivial
Paint something
Go for a walk
Climb a tree
Read a better blog
Take a photo of something
Listen to some music and singalong
Make a list
Make a list of things you could be doing instead of reading this crap
Surprise someone (but in a nice way)
Read that book you never got round to
Form a crime fighting gang
Cook some food you have never made before
Read a tedious, generic list of things that you could be doing instead but then don't do because you can't be arsed so you watch some moronic rubbish on TV
Have an enema
Have a hissy fit
Get arrested
Do something that is fucking mental
Give up and cry about it
Boohoo

[.).]

A poem

2010-10-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

This post was supposed to be a poem but I couldn't think of anything. Lame huh? And pointless me even mentioning it really, isn't it?
Sorry.

[.).]